Warning: Some of the content of this post may be offensive.

I’m sorry about that, but I have to do it. I HAVE to call out all the weirdos I seem to have acquired on various social media. I have to put this out into the world, on the off-chance that I’m not the only one trembling on the verge of deleting half of my friend list at any given moment.

The thing is, I have a fairly strict friend policy, especially for Facebook. All my friends have met me in person more than once and know my last name (although some may not remember it). Many are related to me by blood. Some I went to school with. Some I’ve dated. These are NOT randoms. So why does social media seem to draw out the wacko in these people?

Here’s my fantasy list of the five categories of people I need to grow enough cojones to delete:

1/ The misogynist

You know the type. The fist time he posts something like this, you chuckle:

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Then another one of his posts jokingly insinuates that all women cheat. Here and there, he posts images of scantily-clad women exhibiting some impressive feats of flexibility. Then he makes a post bashing people who wish single mothers a ‘Happy Fathers’ Day’. Then you realise that his entire Facebook wall is basically a mansplaining war on women. Because what women today need is more men constantly belittling and mocking them.

You try to remember why you were ever friends with him in the first place. Where is that ‘delete’ button again?

2/ The politician

You know why you added this person. You were so impressed by their determination to be an advocate for change. You were inspired by their outspokenness on issues that society would rather ignore. The politician is going to change the world. Great, because the world badly needs changing.

Too bad you probably aren’t going to be around to see this brave new world – because if you read one more of this person’s depressing rants about how screwed up everything and everyone is… well you might just shoot yourself in the head.

3/ The train wreck

This person manages to be more annoying than the pseudo-celebrity who was perfectly normal in your high school class but who now has a glitzy, too-good-to-be-true Kim Kardashian-esque alter-ego on Instagram.

The train wreck is the person who does nothing but complain about their life. Their Instagram alter-ego makes Wednesday Addams seem downright bubbly. Nothing goes right for them. They are afraid that their boyfriend/ girlfriend is going to break up with them. Also, they are thinking of breaking up with their boyfriend/girlfriend. You know this, but their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t.

Could this be more awkward?

You’re helplessly enthralled, yet you desperately want to unfollow them because reading their posts is a bit like accidentally walking in on them while they’re taking a dump… over and over and over again. Eeeeeewwwww.

4/ The preacher

This person has been saved. Now they want to save you. Usually they’re pretty nice…. but don’t bring up any controversial topics. They can relate every one of society’s ills with some teaching in their holy book… or with the fact that nobody reads their holy book. They use their faith as a justification for all manner of things – and who cares if not all of their friends share the same faith? They believe that they are… no, wait… I don’t even need to go that far; They BELIEVE. You’d better believe too. Don’t get me wrong, it would be silly to subscribe to any belief system without… well… believing in it! I’m all for following the doctrine of one’s choice… but I think my friends should have the freedom to choose!

Helpful hint: you win zero points if, in a debate with the preacher, you point out that apart from the fact that you don’t share their opinion, you don’t believe in any of the other great opposing (parallel?) religious systems. This friend respects you more if you believe in something, anything rather than just choosing not to play for any particular team.

5/The Stepford Wife

Making tasty, organic meals just takes all her stress away. She cooks every single night; leftovers are downright sacrilegious in her house. Plus, she luuuurrrves to cook for her hubby! His morning coffee is roasted and ground by hand then brewed fresh, from the organic beans bestowed by the coffee plants growing in their back yard. Everything they eat MUST. BE. DOCUMENTED. Check out her latest vegan, gluten-free, paleo masterpiece! See her swanky new kitchen with all the latest gizmos! Aren’t her kids adorable as they snack on organic honeydew melons and pumpkin seeds? Watch her family survive for a week on various juices in various enticing shades of green!

This is her whole personality… You are torn between envy of her domestic goddess status and disgust that she’s implicitly supporting all those idiotic “Make Me a Sandwich” memes. But you can’t delete her; you’re too curious to see what she’ll bring to your next potluck. Also, in all fairness, she’s probably the least annoying of the bunch.

Freebie / The one who butchers your language

Okay, this may be a very personal problem of mine. The butcher can be anyone, from the millennial who only speaks internet-speak (Why spell the word ‘is‘ with an ‘s’? It’s so much faster to type ‘iz‘!) to the old-enough-to-know-better friend who just. never. gets. it. right. 🙁

You log into your various social media accounts and watch as your language dies a quick yet painful death. You get it – nobody is perfect – but it’s also true that ‘bear’ is neither difficult to spell, nor is it interchangeable with ‘beer’ or ‘bare’.  :/

*rant over*

Whew!

xo

J


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