You bought her a drink. Watched her bag for her when she went to the ladies’ room. You made polite conversation, scored a few genuine laughs from her and even expressed sincere interest in her hobbies and passions. So why is she casting amorous glances at the guy with the neck tattoo who barely remembers her name?

Women are beautiful, complicated, incomprehensible creatures. They exhibit poor judgement. They enjoy dating jerks who will treat them badly. You see, they may be nice to look at, but they aren’t very bright. Women are ruled by their emotions, after all.

So you just got ‘friend-zoned’… buuurrrnnnn….. but then, we all know that ‘nice guys finish last’, right?

Before I continue, if you experienced utter horror and revulsion at the preceding paragraph, you may rest assured; your nice-guy card is safe.

I recently watched an advert (one of those annoying pop-up internet ads) which promised that if a man subscribed to a certain online course he could learn to ‘re-program a woman’s brain’ (this is almost verbatim) so she would ‘be reduced to her basest instincts and have no choice’ but to sleep with the man in question. For a reasonable fee, he could essentially learn to ‘hack’ her brain and jedi mind-trick her out of her free will.

My husband and I watched in astonishment and sheer disbelief; “NOBODY would ever buy this steaming load of crap… right?”

Unfortunately, the reality of modern society is that many men continue to truly believe that women are lovely, complex yet unintelligent creatures who really have no right to make choices about their own lives and bodies. If you bought her a drink, if you were ‘nice’ to her, it is only right that she give you ‘a chance’. You paid for that chance; it is rightfully yours.

I cannot begin to count the number of times that I have heard men utter sentiments like those expressed above. They are baffled by women’s senseless pursuit of ‘bad boys’. They are shocked that a woman would still ‘friend-zone’ them after they treated her so well. But they rationalise it all because, after all, women are dumb, superficial and self-destructive. And nice guys finish last.

Well I have news for those men. I too have experienced rejection. I too have offered my friendship-and-maybe-more to men who have politely, impolitely, explicitly or implicitly declined my offer. I had been nice to them, though. Dressed up, looking good, wit and charm on 100%… and still they didn’t go for it.

Nonetheless, I have somehow never, NEVER considered that this might be because these men had terrible judgement. My ego just wasn’t that over-developed. When my high-school crush spent all night with his eyes (and other body parts) glued to my best friend, it did not occur to me that it might be because he wasn’t very bright, because he wanted a woman who would treat him badly or because I had been too nice to him. Silly me; I thought it was because he just found her more attractive.

If you are capable of believing that a woman has rejected you because she is illogical and you were too nice to her… it means you are fundamentally misogynistic (look it up in the dictionary). I hate to break it to you but you, my friend, are NOT a ‘nice guy’.

If it’s one lesson that I’ve learned in love and that I am learning in marriage, it’s that things work best if you inject a hearty dose of selflessness into everything. As much as I would like it to be different, not everything is about me. Hubby under-cooks his eggs and prefers to leave the skin on his mashed potatoes (seriously, does anybody else do this???). I have had quite a few mashed-potatoes-with-skin meals to date. Because we can’t just eat the things I like. He has his own tastes and opinions and, even if I don’t understand them, he has a RIGHT to make different choices from mine. Even if I am nice to him. That doesn’t mean he’s stupid.

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My husband is a nice guy. I’ve dated a few.

In matters of love and of passion, the nice guys put the woman first.

So, they finish last. They finish last, WILLINGLY. They finish last, HAPPILY. They aren’t concerned with competing with anyone and they don’t presume to tell a woman what she should want; they ASK her what she wants and then try to provide it if they can. And if they can’t, they know that it’s not her fault.

So, although you might think you are a nice guy, if you still can’t comprehend why you should finish last, I would urge you to reassess. Unless, of course, you are looking to strike up a romance with a truly shallow or perhaps lonely woman who isn’t actually attracted to you but dates you because you were so ‘nice’ to her until someone else catches her eye … leaving you salty and bitter once more.

xo

J

P.S. This has to take the world record for most frequent use of the word ‘nice’ in one article!! LOL

 

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